When everything backfires and you’re sitting there like…

Answering Machine at Menthal Health Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press – no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

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Always hide your emotions behind a joke, always hide…That’s why I started with a joke. As you know I have been to therapy now for a while and I have really felt this helps, that I am getting my emotions and depression under control, or at least I know how to handle them, I have understood myself better, I have felt good, even satisfied with the point where I am right now in my life. I really felt I am starting to get the inner peace.

And then everything backfires. I broke down. I couldn’t handle a problem and cried hysterically for over an hour. Felt sorry for myself, felt sorry for putting my family in situation like that, felt everything that was said was to hurt me. And I fell deeper and deeper back in the hole. The teenager in me screamed to my head “I just want to die”, the grown up in myself said “handle it, snap out of it”. I felt broken and confused. The only thing I could do is cry. And feel sorry for myself.

Today I see that there probably is a solution to this problem that made me break down. I just need someone to help me with that. But I feel all these therapy sessions went down the drain yesterday and we’re back were we started.

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Alati peida oma tegelikult emotsioonid sarkasmi ja huumori taha, alati peida… Eks ma sellepärast naljaga alustasingi. Nagu te teate, olen ma juba mõnda aega psühholoogi juures käinud. Mul on olnud tunne, et ma olen õppinud oma depressiooni tagamaid tundma, ma olen tundnud, et kogu sellest blablaast ja lõngakera harutamisest on abi olnud, ma olen tundnud, et ma olen leidmas mingit (sisemist) rahu, ma olen hakanud end mõistma.

Ja siis toimub murdumine. Kõik lendab vastu taevast. Ma ei suutnud ühe probleemiga toime tulla ning murdusin, nutsin hüsteeriliselt üle tunni aja, haletsesin ennast, olin enda peale vihane, vihkasin ennast, mulle tundus, et kõik, mis öeldi ja tehti oli selleks, et mind lolliks teha, alandada. Ma kujutasin endale asju ette, teismeline minus karjus “ma ei taha enam elada!”, täiskasvanu minus karjus vastu “lõpeta! jäta kohe järele! leia lahendus!”. Ma tundsin end katkisena ja väärtusetuna. Ja ma ei osanud oma emotsioonidega kuidagi hakkama saada. Seepärast ma nutsin. Ja nutsin. Ja nutsin veel.

Täna ma mõtlen, et ilmselt on mu probleemile lahendus, lihtsalt keegi peab mind aitama, sest minu “pleekblond aju” ei oska seda ise lahendada. Ma mõistan, et kogu see lugu ei ole maailma lõpp, kuid samuti tunnen ma, et kogu senine teraapia läks eilsega äravoolutorust alla ja ma olen tagasi alguses.

3 thoughts on “When everything backfires and you’re sitting there like…

  1. Äkki sa vajadki, et keegi autoriteetne lähedane kärataks: “Vait, ja kuula nüüd mind”! ning selgitaks kuidas edasi. Aga oled sa valmis usaldama ja kuuletuma ilma küsimusi esitamata? Oled sa valmis selleks kui Marek ütleb, et on aeg kohvrid pakkida ning ülehomsest jätkub teie elu jälle Ussipesas? Äkki see aitakski sind. Et sa ei mõtle, planeeri ega genereeri vaid teed nagu öeldakse. Äkki ongi mõne probleemi põhjus selles, et sa oled harjunud ise otsustama ja juhtima ning ei taha kontrolli käest anda. Tegelikult võib see olla vabastav kogemus. Ära mõtle, ära analüüsi, ole…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ma tunnistan ausalt, et esimest korda elus olengi ma ohjad enda käest ära andnud ja lasengi teistel ka otsustada. Siiani olen alati mina teadnud, mis meile meeldib, mida me teeme, mida me sööme, mina tean kuhu me läheme, teisele poolele unustan tihti öelda, sest MINA ju tean.

      See ON vabastav tunne, et ma ei pea kõike 110% kontrollima ja otsustama, vaid “kuulan sõna”, aga samas on see väga segadust tekitav (kui terve elu oled teisiti harjunud ja teatavasti on inimene harjumuste ori).

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      1. Siis oled ju täitsa õigel teel ja teraapia ei läinud äravoolu teed. Lase asjadel voolata… Chill… Flow… Ole tubli 🙂

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